I don't know why, but lately I always want to write something depressing. But somewhere inside my mind I want to get out of this crazy thoughts. I have tried my best to come out of all this frustration and depression for a while. I think now I am feeling much better compared to some time back. Still some times I feel really really restless. Why? I know reasons. But I don't do anything to get out of it. I know the reasons for my restlessness, frustration and depression. Still I don't take any action to come out of this. I guess I just want to live my life waiting on something to happen. Frankly speaking I know for sure that nothing happens if I don't take life into my hands.
All the time I go to the youtube and see some tennis videos of Justine Henin. Always I watch the same video again and again. I have this compulsive disorder. I try to suppress this by doing something else. Some times if something comes to my mind, I can't do anything except keep thinking about the same even though I don't like that. Strange. The more I try to get out of this, the more I am into this problem. More over I am not trying to do something I am supposed to do. I am sure if I keep doing what I am supposed to do, then within no time I can definitely come out of all this. For example I need to work on my new project as a part of my thesis for PhD. But I haven't been working on it for a while. How long can I go like this? It doesn't help either personally or professionally. I need to change this worst habit of living in the past. It is taking me down.
The other thing I notice is I constantly check my gmail and go to the same websites again and again. I guess this is just because I don't know what to do and I don't want to do certain things which are supposed to be done. So I understand one thing. I am always escaping from the real world. I just want to be lazy. To escape from something I am feeding some problems to my mind. I mean my mind it self is creating these self-made problems to escape from the daily work.
I think it never occurred to me that I am trying to think everything in negative way. The other thing I noticed with my personality is I complain a lot even for small problems. I simply get frustrated. Funny thing is I always think that I have lots of patience. Looking at all these things it definitely doesn't look like I have lots of patience. May be I am trying to make other people responsible for my problems. If I start thinking right, then I will definitely understand it well as I always feel it somewhere in side my mind. I guess no one likes to be reason for their own problems. Always people try to blame it on others. I guess I am also no exception to that. But if I am honest to myself, then I know the fact.
I just don't know what I really want in my life. I am just wasting my time not doing anything useful. I always try to give some philosophical thinking to my thoughts to make feel better about what I am doing right now in my life. Finally I feel like going back to my life as a student from 5th grade to 10th grade in Navodaya school. There it was like military. I had to wake up early in the morning and go for exercises. Then I had to be on time for school prayer. Now I am really firm on making good schedule on what to do everyday. If I follow at least half of it, then I will definitely be in the right path. If I want to finish my PhD in another one and half to 2 years, then I need to follow some schedule. I need to work hard.
Yesterday my first paper was accepted for publication in one of the fluid mechanics journals. Right now I am working on very interesting topic called DPD applied to lipid bilayers. I know for sure that if I do good work, I will not have any problems in getting very good publication in top journals as this work was never done before. Still I am not doing anything to finish off the work for which I came here all the way from India. Again it looks really funny to put some printouts of my daily schedule on the wall. I am sure it sounds funny to me and my all friends because we never tried to do this before and may be don't like the idea of trying to be good and perfect student like nerds here. What ever it is, if it puts me in right track, then there is no wrong in doing it. Right?
The other thing is I am getting used to writing a lot on my blog. That too I am using this blog to escape from my real life frustrations. I don't know whether it is good or bad. In a way I spend lot of time writing. But in the end it gives me immense satisfaction. By the time I finish writing I feel really relieved. My mind feels really fresh. If it makes me feel happy, then I guess it is definitely good habit even though it requires lot of time.
Another good thing is today I have fixed my bike and it is working properly now. Some time back I didn't know that I should not use choke for long time when riding the bike. It causes lot of carbon to deposit on spark plugs. So I had to change these spark plugs. I did it with my own hands reading repair manual. Even thought it is simple work, I felt extremely happy and proud when I successfully changed the spark plugs. It was my first mechanical work. Funny thing is I am a mechanical engineer, but I really don't any thing when it comes to either cars or bikes. So in a way this is the first step in learning a lot in repairs. I feel extremely motivated to read lot of books on engines, etc. I feel like laughing as I never cared to read the books carefully enough to understand the concepts. In in engineering I just read them to get good marks. Now I see the importance of all those things. When it comes to personal use, only then people try to learn things. In a way it is definitely good thing in USA as it costs much to fix things manually. That way we learn things as we don't like to spend lots of money on fixing with the help of mechanics. Manual labor is damn expensive here.
Now I am going to have lot of time to go through these bike manuals and read about engines as I am going to put my bike in garage till next summer. All this time I can use properly to understand basic concepts, so that I can use my bike properly when I use it next time and can fix it on my own if something happens with it. I guess it motivates me to do something useful everyday. It tells me to concentrate on my research. You know why I feel like that? If I don't do good research, then I will get fired. If I get fired, then I won't get chance to ride my new bike next summer. That means I am wasting lots of money and effort I put in to this bike. In a way if I respect money and time, then I should do something to keep it that way. That is nothing but doing good work in the university. Let's see whether I keep it or lose it.
Ok. Now time for cooking. After that make one schedule and take printouts to keep them on the wall. First step is waking up early in the tomorrow morning. If I can do that, then its like I have done half of the work. I always wake up something around 11 or 12 in the morning. That means I don't see half of the day. More over here sun goes down by 4pm. So I see most probably just 2 hours of sun everyday. So I feel like I am there just for 2 hours. If this is the case how can I do some work in my everyday life in all this winter. That means if I wake up at 6am, I can see whole day. I am sure definitely it looks like I have lot of time to do something everyday.
Enough of my planning. Hopefully I should follow it. I should be able to follow it, at least half of what I plan if not full. I don't want to ask God to make me follow it. That is simply stupid to ask like that. It is not in his hands, but in my hands to do that. So Sreedhar try to use your time properly to make something out of it. Chalo. Why till tomorrow? Start now it self. Lets cook something so that I don't have to worry for lunch tomorrow. More over its kind of sucks to spend lots of money on food in cafeteria. Lets make a daily plan. Cool. Sounds good. Now go away. This is enough. You have already written damn two pages. Go and do some useful things before you call yourself stupid.
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