After long time

Today I am writing again after long time. When first time I started this blog I was severely depressed. I guess I could never get out of it until now. What ever it was I was feeling much better for a while until recently. Now it feels like I am back to pavilion again. But the only relief is this time I am not feeling like crying. More over I am very determined that I could come out of it.

Lately and finally something happened in my life which makes me feel very depressed and frustrated. At the same time it makes me feel relieved too. I think it is very strange for me to feel like this. I was stuck with some solution less problem. In my life it there is something which I hate most with my self, that is nothing but dilemma. So finally because of some ones actions there is no more dilemma for me. Honestly speaking I am not even sure whether I like what happened. What ever it is I am ready to go with it and move on. I came to this point after suffering mental torture for long time. I think I don't have any more strength to bear the mental pain.

Ok. I know that you are getting seriously frustrated not knowing what I am talking about. I don't want to reveal. I am sure you can understand. Anyway one thing I am trying to do a lot to escape from this depression is watching movies. You know what. I do this night times like a ghost. I pretty much live in my office. I sleep in my chair. It's definitely very painful. But some where it gives me mental peace.

So I go to office and watch movies. I already told you that. Recently one of my friends told me about this movie site www.telugusilverscreen.com and then I started watching all the movies on that site. I have already seen most of those movies. Because of this depression, I guess, sometimes I don't feel like doing anything else. More over here it is freaking cold to go anywhere outside. You know what the temperature is outside right now? -30 degree Celsius. So I go to one cafeteria McLure at UVM and get my food for the rest of the night and go back to office. Then if I have mood I work. Otherwise I start watching some Telugu movie. Some of them are very good movies. I already saw most of them when I was in India. So in a way I know that they are good movies. Sometimes you don't get all the good movies. I mean once you finish all the movies you end up with movies you have never seen before. I am sure you might have heard something bad about those movies like ok or average or bad or disaster. Still I decided to watch all these movies. The outcome of this decision was I saw some terrible movies.

Just yesterday I watched a Telugu movie titled Pelli Kaanuka which means Marriage gift. It was a kind of remake of a hit Hindi movie. I don't remember the name of the movie though. It was Machima Choudary's first movie. Anyway the point is this movie is the best example how some one can screw up a good movie. That too big time. You know some times you would be watching a movie and feels angry. I was so mad watching this movie I started cursing like anything. But again it felt very good. The reason was I spoke all those bad words in Telugu. By now you might have understood how desperate I am to speak in Telugu. Here at this university you don't find that many Telugu people. More over we don't see other Indians for long times. Because it is very cold outside, it is kind of hard to see people. Anyway going back to movie, I was very frustrated the way director handled the movie. More over this guy tries to show American culture in a very bad way. Everyone has their own culture and just because it differs from our culture it is not a bad culture. I guess people realize this face only when they come here.

Even though the movie was bad, I feel very relaxed after watching them. Because your mind would be thinking of something else at least for a while. I personally feel anyone doing something for long time should have a knack of doing that work good. I mean the director of this movie always gives statements like I made this many movie. But who cares. Most of the time this guy makes worst movies. I just don't understand how some one can make a disaster after making that many movies. How come some one can't foresee what would be the outcome. I mean after making that many movies.

Anyway I am talking nonsense here. Otherwise why would I talk about some crap like this. Like I told you my mind is totally screwed up right now. At least one good thing I see with my self is I don't feel angry anymore. For a while I was filled with hate and angry and sadness. But now the list has come down to just sadness. In a way I am very happy about that.

I feel like typing more and more. Why? Because something is bothering me. But I don't know how to come out of it. So finally after watching some bad movies, I have decided to go back to my old habit. I think I don't have any more patience to watch bad movies. From now onwards I need to spend at least half an hour to write something. It really doesn't matter what I write. As long as I write something and if I feel little bit relieved after I write something, then the purpose is served.

So welcome back Sreedhar. Great thing is there are millions of people just like you in this world. Everyone has problems. My problem might be nothing when compared to some other people. So be strong and try to finish your degree here. Then at least you will have some other problems like how to survive here, or getting job here. All those problems will occupy your mind and eventually you will be out of pain and depression. Otherwise how could anyone live all his life? I don't think that works.

For now the best thing is you have your own Fortran code to work on. You know that it is a challenge to understand all that code. Right? So bring it on. You will be fine Sreedhar. Tell yourself no one can hurt you. Tell yourself you will be fine. Tell yourself it is all going to be alright.

cheers,
Sreedhar.